Umbrella Etiquette 101

It's a known fact that it rains quite a lot in Edinburgh.
The locals hardly notice it and when they do decide to break out the umbrella it's usually not a problem.
However.........it is also a known fact that there are a lot of tourists in Edinburgh and I realise that some of them come from countries where it doesn't rain that often and therefore can be faulted personally for their lack of umbrella etiquette.
May I suggest it be mandatory for all incoming tourist to take a wee umbrella etiquette course before they are granted entry into this fabulous place. Now I'm not saying we should deny entry to anyone, just that if you can't pass the umbrella test, you don't get to carry one.
And why not one might ask? And I answer because it fucking hurts when your hair gets stuck in an umbrella that is carried too low. And because it really hurts when you can't control your umbrella and I get poked in the head with it.
So lets get down to business:

1. No person not measuring at least 5'6" shall be allowed to carry an umbrella (I chose that height fr selfish reasons)
2. If you can not open or close an umbrella while walking you don't get one either.
3. If you think it's okay to put your wet umbrella on the seat next o you on the bus so when the next person sits down it looks like they had an accident, you most definitely don't get one.
4. Do NOT think its okay to shake your umbrella inside a shop, it's not okay.
5. If you are not on a golf course, don't carry around an umbrella so big everybody and their mother can stand under it.
6. Do not make sudden stops while walking with an umbrella, you don't have a brake light to warn the rest of us walking behind you.
7. This is the most important point.  Under no circumstance shall anyone ever carry around an umbrella with the words "Ed Hardy" on it. It's not cool. At all.

There's a very easy solution for those who can not follow these simple steps. Get yourself a raincoat with a hood.
And by the way, it's just water, it won't kill you.